iPod Neuroses – A Handy Guide to iPod related Mental Illnesses
Good morning class,
I am visiting your psychology 101 class today to tell you about iPods and the new and fascinating field of research that they have allowed me to get rich from/educate people about. Although the great iPod boom happened way back in Christmas of 2005, the past five years have yielded a number of interesting new psychoses related, interestingly enough not only to iPods, but to all personal music players, both external and implanted. Of course, the new iPod Microbe has just been released, and in depth studies into its emotional damage are yet to come to light in the greater academic community. That being said, however, the trauma that can come from implanted technology has become very clear, as in the memorable case of Gates vs. the American Federation of Senior Citizens (it seems that illegal downloading of Windows Pacemaker, 2007 beta’s side effects are not attributable to Gates himself, although the decision is still working through the courts).
At any rate, you will find more in depth analysis of the following condition in my book “iPodosis: The iPod and the Mental Landscape”, available now at all three fine independent bookstores left in Ontario.
iPod Envy
Characterised by the strong desire to compare iPods with everyone who is using one within eyesight. Can lead to feelings of inadequacy in those using older generation iPods or iPod Shuffles.
iPod Self Loathing
IPod self-loathing can occurs when the iPod user is overwhelmed with dissatisfaction with all the music on his or her iPod. Non-treated iADD can lead to iPod self-loathing. IPod self-loathing can lead to a user switching to regular radio, where the selection is truly random, or in severe cases, the subject can be heard to sing loud songs of their invention which often sound like The Strokes.
Seasonal Affective iPod Disorder
Occurring mainly around the Christmas Season, seasonal affective iPod disorder usually manifesting itself two months before the season actually begins. The condition is characterized by the subject listening to overly jolly music sometime in late September or October. Subject suffering from severe cases can be seen shopping for Christmas decorations in early October while humming “Santa Clause is Coming to Town”. There have been documented cases of “The Thong Song” being sung in March and “November Rain” being whistled in August.
iADD
IPod Attention Deficit Disorder is often accompanied by frequent switching of songs, often shuffling through over one hundred songs in five minutes. It has had its effects felt throughout the music industry with the rise of short punchy songs (a la Franz Ferdinand) and the fall of classic rock (such as Led Zeppelin).
iPod Anti-Social Tendencies
Many experiments have been carried out with laboratory mice to study this particular disorder. The studies have shown that large groups of mice, each attached to their own iPod device, will have trouble relating and organizing in large groups. When tested in the cheese maze, many of the mice simple walked quickly in one direction until they either hit a wall or ran into another mouse, after which the mice changed direction and walked quickly in a different direction, seemingly at random. No mouse attached to an iPod has ever found the cheese leading to speculation about the relationship between iPods and desire for gratification/pleasure in mice. No conclusive human testing has been approved.
iPavlov
Subjects who are frequent iPod gym goers have been observed to move faster and sweat more when listening to their iPods outside of the gym setting.
iGod complex
The iGod complex had two separate indicators which have not yet been clearly separated since they often appear together. IGod manifests itself in the idea that while listening to an iPod, the subject is invincible and will frequently walk into traffic and bump into much larger people without excuse. The second indicator was discovered by Dr. Isaac McLorken when a test subject suddenly threw his iPod at Dr. McLorken. Upon questioning the subject, it was discovered that iPod users will often associate ideas of immortality with their iPods.
Repressed iPod Anger
Repressed iPod anger is rare and is often found in conjunction with the iGod complex. Subjects with iPod anger can be observed to throw their iPods at perceived enemies. IPod Minis are the most often used in this exercise as their solid metal casing makes them ideal projectiles.
iPod Mothering
Users of iPods who swaddle their devices in two inches of padding and protection, often containing Kevlar coating and asbestos insulation, are victims of iPod Mothering. A strong and irrational desire to protect and preserve their iPod can lead certain victims of iPod mothering to become iShut-ins (a field which has been much looked at by Dr. McLorken)
Of course, with any new disorder, there is a bevy of suitable medication that can be applied in various ways. If you or anyone you know suffers from any or all of the above symptoms, there is a twenty-four hour cure. The subject is isolated in a completely soundproof room for a full twenty four house, after which an appreciation for silence and an understanding of the need for human contact are regained.
Please, if you have any questions, come and see me after the class, or buy my book. It is also available in iBook format for download onto your iPods from my website. Thanks for listening, and good mental health to you all.
Post-script:
I like post-scripts.
I am a proud iPod owner – I have a Mini and I have thrown it at someone – actually a car that was trying to run me over as I was exercising my iGod complex. My Mini has a chip on its shoulder to proove it. So is K. – who has a Nano, which I am iEnvious of!
We’re all crazy in some way or another and these iPod neuroses are just one more way that we can relate to each other, know each other, and bind the fabric of our society with. So go! Get an iPod – or a reasonable facsimile, and join the movement. If we make these conditions the norm, then normal people will be the crazy ones. And who will be laughing then? Probably the ones listening to a random Phil Ochs tune, and not those engaged in “reality”.
Take care.
D.
I am visiting your psychology 101 class today to tell you about iPods and the new and fascinating field of research that they have allowed me to get rich from/educate people about. Although the great iPod boom happened way back in Christmas of 2005, the past five years have yielded a number of interesting new psychoses related, interestingly enough not only to iPods, but to all personal music players, both external and implanted. Of course, the new iPod Microbe has just been released, and in depth studies into its emotional damage are yet to come to light in the greater academic community. That being said, however, the trauma that can come from implanted technology has become very clear, as in the memorable case of Gates vs. the American Federation of Senior Citizens (it seems that illegal downloading of Windows Pacemaker, 2007 beta’s side effects are not attributable to Gates himself, although the decision is still working through the courts).
At any rate, you will find more in depth analysis of the following condition in my book “iPodosis: The iPod and the Mental Landscape”, available now at all three fine independent bookstores left in Ontario.
iPod Envy
Characterised by the strong desire to compare iPods with everyone who is using one within eyesight. Can lead to feelings of inadequacy in those using older generation iPods or iPod Shuffles.
iPod Self Loathing
IPod self-loathing can occurs when the iPod user is overwhelmed with dissatisfaction with all the music on his or her iPod. Non-treated iADD can lead to iPod self-loathing. IPod self-loathing can lead to a user switching to regular radio, where the selection is truly random, or in severe cases, the subject can be heard to sing loud songs of their invention which often sound like The Strokes.
Seasonal Affective iPod Disorder
Occurring mainly around the Christmas Season, seasonal affective iPod disorder usually manifesting itself two months before the season actually begins. The condition is characterized by the subject listening to overly jolly music sometime in late September or October. Subject suffering from severe cases can be seen shopping for Christmas decorations in early October while humming “Santa Clause is Coming to Town”. There have been documented cases of “The Thong Song” being sung in March and “November Rain” being whistled in August.
iADD
IPod Attention Deficit Disorder is often accompanied by frequent switching of songs, often shuffling through over one hundred songs in five minutes. It has had its effects felt throughout the music industry with the rise of short punchy songs (a la Franz Ferdinand) and the fall of classic rock (such as Led Zeppelin).
iPod Anti-Social Tendencies
Many experiments have been carried out with laboratory mice to study this particular disorder. The studies have shown that large groups of mice, each attached to their own iPod device, will have trouble relating and organizing in large groups. When tested in the cheese maze, many of the mice simple walked quickly in one direction until they either hit a wall or ran into another mouse, after which the mice changed direction and walked quickly in a different direction, seemingly at random. No mouse attached to an iPod has ever found the cheese leading to speculation about the relationship between iPods and desire for gratification/pleasure in mice. No conclusive human testing has been approved.
iPavlov
Subjects who are frequent iPod gym goers have been observed to move faster and sweat more when listening to their iPods outside of the gym setting.
iGod complex
The iGod complex had two separate indicators which have not yet been clearly separated since they often appear together. IGod manifests itself in the idea that while listening to an iPod, the subject is invincible and will frequently walk into traffic and bump into much larger people without excuse. The second indicator was discovered by Dr. Isaac McLorken when a test subject suddenly threw his iPod at Dr. McLorken. Upon questioning the subject, it was discovered that iPod users will often associate ideas of immortality with their iPods.
Repressed iPod Anger
Repressed iPod anger is rare and is often found in conjunction with the iGod complex. Subjects with iPod anger can be observed to throw their iPods at perceived enemies. IPod Minis are the most often used in this exercise as their solid metal casing makes them ideal projectiles.
iPod Mothering
Users of iPods who swaddle their devices in two inches of padding and protection, often containing Kevlar coating and asbestos insulation, are victims of iPod Mothering. A strong and irrational desire to protect and preserve their iPod can lead certain victims of iPod mothering to become iShut-ins (a field which has been much looked at by Dr. McLorken)
Of course, with any new disorder, there is a bevy of suitable medication that can be applied in various ways. If you or anyone you know suffers from any or all of the above symptoms, there is a twenty-four hour cure. The subject is isolated in a completely soundproof room for a full twenty four house, after which an appreciation for silence and an understanding of the need for human contact are regained.
Please, if you have any questions, come and see me after the class, or buy my book. It is also available in iBook format for download onto your iPods from my website. Thanks for listening, and good mental health to you all.
Post-script:
I like post-scripts.
I am a proud iPod owner – I have a Mini and I have thrown it at someone – actually a car that was trying to run me over as I was exercising my iGod complex. My Mini has a chip on its shoulder to proove it. So is K. – who has a Nano, which I am iEnvious of!
We’re all crazy in some way or another and these iPod neuroses are just one more way that we can relate to each other, know each other, and bind the fabric of our society with. So go! Get an iPod – or a reasonable facsimile, and join the movement. If we make these conditions the norm, then normal people will be the crazy ones. And who will be laughing then? Probably the ones listening to a random Phil Ochs tune, and not those engaged in “reality”.
Take care.
D.
